


let your dirty sadness fill me up (just like a balloon)

by lydiamaartins



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: "laney is this one of those 4+1 things???" yes it is, Child Neglect, Episode: s01e05 Twilight's Last Gleaming, F/F, Nightmares, Pre-Series, clarke and raven are adorable
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-19 05:20:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3597846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamaartins/pseuds/lydiamaartins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Thats the thing, Clarke, I think you’re my best friend and god that’s so, so, so fucked up. I should hate you, but I just can’t. Why can’t I fucking hate you, Clarke?” // or, four times clarke attempts to comfort raven, and one time she does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. when it rains it pours

**Author's Note:**

> takes place pre-series, clarke is five, raven is six.

It’s been three days since the last time Raven saw her mother. This isn’t something new, and honestly, there’ve been time where she’s gone longer, but all the other times she’d left something for Raven to get food with, or gotten someone to get food to Raven. This time, however, it’s been four days since the last time she ate something, and she’s starving. So she does what she has to do.

Her socked footsteps are silent as she shuffles through Mecha, her tiny body pressed up against a wall in case she has to hide behind a door or inside a vent. She’s headed towards Medical, because the last time she was there they had taken a blood sample, handed her a cookie and some orange juice, and sent her on her way so they could deal with the long line of kids behind her who were starting kindergarten as well. Rationally, if they were to give a cookie and orange juice to every child there, they would overestimate the number of kids coming, because they would rather have extra than not enough. And luckily, Raven is a rational thinker.

It takes her less than fifteen minutes to make it to the station and through the (very lax) security system they have up to protect it. Honestly, if an seven year old can crack it, why even have it up? she thinks as she begins her search for a fridge or freezer. This, however, turns out to be more difficult than it seems. Wherever they keep the leftover orange juice and cookies, it’s not inside the control station, and she’s starting to get worried. What if it was all for nothing? What if she can’t find any food anyway, and wasted the rest of her energy trying to get to it? What if she dies right here on the floor?

(Granted, the last one is a little extreme, but she’s seven years old, give her a break.)

While dealing with her inner turmoil, Raven doesn’t notice the swish of the station doors opening, nor does she hear the pattering of footsteps on the linoleum floors. She does, however, hear a voice calling out for her mother.

"Mom? Mom! Abby Griffin!" the voice calls out, high pitched and nervous, and it sounds familiar, but Raven's too scared of being caught to find out who it is. She shuffles in socked feet across the floor, staying hidden by the tall tables and gleaming lab stations, carefully avoiding anything that could reveal her location. Unfortunately, she does not realize that the open doorway she plans on walking through is actually just very clean glass until it's too late. Her body rebounds off the cold surface and, startled, she stumbles back into a table holding a tray of medical instruments, which crash to the ground in a clatter. She freezes and closes her eyes tightly, blinking back tears. It's over, she's caught. 

She hears light footsteps hurrying over to where she's standing and suddenly she's face to face with a mess of blonde curls and the bluest eyes she's ever seen, and she realizes who she was hiding from. "Clarke?"

Clarke's face twists into a frown, her eyes narrowing and her nose scrunching up. "How do you know who I am?"

Raven stares at her, dumbfounded. "What do you mean? You're Clarke Griffin. Everyone knows who you are. Your dad is Jake Griffin and your mom--"

"You know my mom?" Clarke asks, her eyes wide and innocent. "Can you help me find her?"

Raven opens her mouth to say no, that she can't even help herself, let alone someone else, but she realizes this could be a bargain, and she shuts up. If she knows one thing, she knows how to blackmail people into getting her what she needs. And right now, she needs food. "I might've seen her...but I'm too hungry to remember."

Clarke's frown deepens. "How does being hungry make you forget if you've seen my mom?"

Raven looked at her, incredulous. Usually when she said things like that people just gave her what she needed. She didn't know how to handle something like this. She felt her lower lip start to tremble, and she realized with a sinking stomach that she couldn't stop the tears from coming. They spill over along with a broken sound in her throat and she reaches out for Clarke's hand. "Please," she pleads, "I haven't eaten in days, I'm so hungry."

Clarke looks her up and down, her eyes sad. "What do you mean you haven't eaten? Didn't you get your rations?"

Something in Raven snaps when she hears the word ration; her knees buckle and she crumples to the ground with her legs crossed. She looks up at Clarke, whose gaze is sad and confused, her hand reaching forward slightly as if to pat Raven on the shoulder. Raven jerks away and Clarke flinches, a lock of blonde hair falling over her eyes. She twists it away quickly, eyes never straying from Raven’s. “Do you…” she swallows, “do you want to come with me and get something to eat?”

The tension melts from Raven’s shoulders as she nods, taking Clarke’s outstretched hand and letting her lead her away. There’s confidence in the little blonde’s stride, and she takes Raven to a small room off the clinic. Inside, there’s a couch, some tables, and a mini-fridge. Raven’s mouth waters.

Clarke hurries over to the fridge, dragging Raven along with her. Upon opening it, they find a half-full jug of milk, an apple, two bars of chocolate marked with a green sticky note that reads ‘JACKSON’, and a sandwich wrapped in plastic. 

Clarke grabs the apple and sandwich and hands them to Raven before shutting the door. “Jackson’ll notice if we take his chocolate, and milk is icky,” she says, her face scrunched up. Raven giggles and takes a bite of the apple. It’s honestly like heaven, and she devours the rest and the sandwich in minutes, while Clarke watches, fascinated. “I’ve never seen someone eat so fast before,” she confesses when Raven is finished, and Raven laughs again, a full smile finally lighting up her face. The two sit together, giggling and talking for a few minutes, before Raven sees a serious light in Clarke’s face. 

“What is it, is something wrong?” she asks, her eyes wide. Clarke hesitates.

“My dad told me once that if people are sad, they should talk to someone about why they’re sad. Why’re you sad, Raven?”

Raven shrugs non-committally. A tightness starts to build in her chest, expanding through her body like air in a balloon.

“You have to know why,” Clarke protests. “You can’t just be sad.”

Raven shifts uncomfortably. There’s only one way out of this, and she knows what she has to do. She doesn’t want to, but she purses her lips and says, “Clarke, I really have to go home.” 

Clarke tilts her head. “Why?”

“I just do.” Raven pushes herself off the ground and starts to walk away, and Clarke grabs her arm. She jerks away, but still turns around. There are tears in Clarke’s eyes, and it takes all of Raven’s willpower not to turn the rest of the way and hug her new friend. 

She manages, though.

She runs the rest of the way back to Mecha, and somewhere on the way she hears someone calling Clarke’s name, and a high pitched squeal of ‘Mom!’. The tightness in her chest loosens slightly knowing her friend found her mother. 

She reaches home, and the door to her unit slams shut behind her as she collapses onto her bed. Her shoulders shake lightly, but she doesn’t cry. She can’t cry. She isn’t hungry, and that’s all that matters, right?

(Five hungry days later she meets Finn, who gives her soup, and orange, and a glass of milk. He’s nice and helpful, but the milk is icky, just like Clarke said.)


	2. i still feel that rush in my veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a missing scene from twilight's last gleaming, aka the episode where raven comes down to the ground.

__

“It’s hot as hell in here,” Raven mutters and wipes her forehead with her hand. The wrench she’s holding clanks against the concrete floor and she sighs. “Abby?” she calls, “You out there?”  
  
She gets no response and rolls her eyes, picking up her tools and starting on the pod again. She needs that pressure regulator, but other than that, everything else is nearly done, and they could leave as soon as she installs it. That is, if Abby ever gets it to her.  
  
The sound of footsteps outside makes her movements falter, and she sits back on her heels. “Hello?”  
  
No answer.  
  
Frowning slightly, she rolls her shoulders back and gets back to work. The only thing she has left to do before installing the pressure regulator is preparing the oxygen canisters for the atmosphere, and she’s nearly done. Just one more turn and--  
  
The sound of papers falling to the floor makes her jump and hit her head on the ceiling. She groans, gingerly pressing a hand to her forehead. “Abby, that better be you with my pressure regulator!” she yells, shifting so she can stand up and make her way out into the open. She gets no response, and her breath catches in her throat. “Hello?”  
  
It’s silent for a second, and then all hell breaks loose.  
  
Guards run towards her, ducking under machinery to grab at her arms. She jumps and scrambles backwards, yanking her arm out of the grasp of a middle aged man with dark skin and short hair. She catches sight of Marcus Kane holding Abby’s arms behind her back, and she makes quick eye contact with her. She looks apologetic and scared, and it terrifies Raven. She’s never seen anyone’s eyes so wide.  
  
A fist closes around her arm and wrenches it behind her back. Her knees buckle and she cries out; the only thing holding her up is the guards nails digging in her skin. He pulls her back up straight and she feels the cool metal of a gun barrel against her forehead.  
  
“Raven Reyes, you’re being charged with one count of treason and one count of resisting arrest, and are being sentenced to death per Ark Regulations.”  
  
A roar sounds in Raven’s ears, and the floor drops out beneath her; she’s alone but not alone, and all she can hear is people screaming her name: Abby, her mom, Finn, and a voice she can’t quite place but knows she recognizes and--

  
  
"Raven!"  
  
She jerks awake, her eyes wild and her fingers tangled in the blanket Finn had given her the night before, after kissing her forehead and going off to guard duty. Her breathing is shaky and littered with gasps; the fresh air in her throat makes her cough and sputter. A hand gently slips underneath her shoulders and helps her sit up, and fingers start running soothingly across her shoulder blades. Her first thought is Finn calming her down after a panic attack on the Ark, but this hand is smaller, the fingertips lighter, the touch gentler. She relaxes back into it, but her comforter is not ready to support her weight, and she slumps backwards into their lap. Her eyes flicker upward, and a pair of concerned blue eyes stare down at her. "Clarke?"  
  
Clarke smiles hesitantly. "You remember, I assume."  
  
Raven lets a small smile break across her face. "How could I forget my knight in shining armor? You did pull me from the wreckage of my pod, unless I remember yesterday completely wrong."  
  
Clarke laughs, and Raven sucks in a breath, her heart nearly stopping at the sound. Clarke's laugh sounds like everything she's ever imagined about Earth: wind whistling through trees, waves crashing against the shore of a beach, birds chirping in the early morning. It's the most beautiful sound she's ever heard. She can’t help but smile and laugh along with her, and the sound is garbled and watery and catches in her throat but it’s _real_. Clarke’s hands once again slip beneath her shoulders and she helps her sit up, and balances her before turning so they face each other.  
  
"I'm not much of a knight," Clarke admits as she leans back into the wall. "Actually, the most common nickname I've gotten so far is "Princess". That doesn't really help the whole leader image."  
  
Raven frowns. "Why the hell not?”  
  
Clarke shrugs. “Gender roles? Misogyny? Idiots? Either way, I can’t get them to listen to me, all they care about is Bellamy fucking Blake’s way of doing things.”  
  
Raven snorts and grabs Clarke’s hand. It was soft in the center, but she could feel callouses beginning to form around the outside. She notices Clarke glancing down at their interlaced fingers, and she’s smiling. It’s a beautiful smile, just like the one she wore when she found Raven and the pod. Clarke looks up at her then, and she quickly shifts her focus so it doesn’t look like she’s staring at the blonde. She coughs and clears her throat before looking up again (and doesn’t get flustered by the fact that Clarke is still smiling at her, nope). “Do you want me to tell them Blake tried to kill the Chancellor? Maybe then they’ll listen.”  
  
Clarke smiles sadly. “No, they’ll probably just worship him even more. Thank you, though.” She doesn’t try to move her hand, Raven can't help but notice, so she rubs her thumb along the outside like Finn used to do for her.  
  
“It’s a shame, really. You’d be a much better leader.”  
  
Clarke heaves a quiet laugh. “You barely know me, Raven.”  
  
“So?” she shrugs. “I can see it in the way you carry yourself. You’re a natural born leader, Clarke. Just like your mom.”  
  
At the mention of her mother, Clarke stiffens noticeably. Raven tilts her head and continues to stroke the side of Clarke’s hand with her thumb. “Did I say something wrong?”  
  
Clarke looks at her sadly an sighs. “It’s no big deal.”  
  
Raven’s forehead wrinkles as she frowns. “Seems like a pretty big deal to me.”  
  
“Yeah, well it’s not. And even if it was, I wouldn’t be discussing it with some random person that just fell out of the goddamn sky,” Clarke snaps, pulling her hand away.  
  
Raven jerks back, her hands fisting in the blanket that still covers her lap. She sees Clarke’s face change to regretful, and she reaches for Raven’s hand, but Raven scrambles back. “I think you should leave,” she says softly.  
  
“Raven, I--”  
  
“Go, Clarke.”  
  
Clarke looks at her for a few more seconds, her expression a mixture of pleading and sadness, before rocking forward onto the balls of her feet and standing up. She brushes the dirt off her pants and turns to leave. She pauses before unzipping the door and turns to look back. “We could talk about that nightmare, if you want.”  
  
Raven purses her lips, and she wants so badly to nod, to drag Clarke back into the room, to talk for hours, because it’s been _so goddamn long_ since she had a real, meaningful conversation with someone, but she still shakes her head. “I’m sorry.”  
  
Clarke shakes her head. “No, I’m sorry. Now try and get some sleep,” she steps out quietly and zips the tent shut behind her, leaving Raven alone with the feeling of fresh air in her lungs and fresh infatuation in her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is octaya (!!!! canon femslash url club!!!!! also im forever bitter about the potential octavia and maya had gdi) come and yell at me/send me prompts (octaya.tumblr.com/tagged/ideas).


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